Don't feel bad about bringing beer to a dinner party.

Nobody's trying to have an orgy, so why's everyone drinking wine all the time.

Never ask for someone's name

without giving yours first.

Respect homeless people

They know more than you ever will.

When someone points a camera at you

Don't do this:just smile and be grateful someone cares enough about you to take your picture.

When you're having a party

make sure there is an extra roll of toilet paper under the sink, plus handsoap and two hand towels for guests.

When applauding a performance

Don't whoop and holler,
Just clap.

Women and Food

Never comment on a woman's eating habits. This is a strict one. Women are weird about food, so men should just butt out.

The obvious situations are when she just plowed through a half dozen donuts or she's on her third bratwurst at Oktoberfest, no matter how impressed and drunk you are, don't say anything. If she does something weird at a restaurant like separating the meal into its components before eating, don't mention it. Or if she leaves one part of the meal, like the capers or onions, just keep quiet.

This also means you shouldn't comment when a woman is not eating.

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A Word on Wine

If you bring white wine or champagne to someone's house for dinner, it better be cold already so they can serve it immediately. Conversely, if someone brings wine to your house for dinner, you better open the bottle that night; they want to enjoy they wine they bought too.

The god Dionysus on 5th Avenue.

Making Conversation

The following are the five most boring topics of conversation, and they should be avoided in all company at all cost.
1. Cell Phone Service
Cell phone companies are all the same. Interesting people have more important things to think about.
2. Laundry
Doing laundry is boring enough. Talking about it is even worse.
3. High Rents in New York (or any other metropolitan area)
Yeah, it's expensive. It's New York. Deal with it or move to Indiana.
4. Gentrification
Not only is this conversation pointless and boring, it's often borderline racist.
5. And finally, need I remind you?...the weather!!!
We have less control over the weather than we do national politics, so it's a banal subject. I encourage you to say to people, "It's a lovely day." That's just being upbeat and polite, and a great way to break an awkward silence in an elevator. But the topic ends there. Use the phrase only as a transition to more relavent topics such as, fine food, film, literature, art, or getting drunk.Pianist Hassan Abudu is always good for interesting dialogue, and I don't even have to talk.

And for the gentleman?

When you order your food at a restaurant, don't look at the menu; look the waiter in the eye. You know what you want.The menu at Applebee's is something to think about.

Stand Up Straight

When you're at the bank or grocery store or theater box office, don't lean on the counter. It's imposing and rude to the person working behind the counter. Plus it makes you look sloppy.Enjoying a nice lean at an acceptable location: Central Park overlooking the carnival.

So...how does everyone know the happy couple?

When you're sitting at a large table with strangers, like at a wedding or a charity event, don't address the group to make conversation. That makes everyone uncomfortable, and those conversations always give way within minutes to an even more awkward silence. Instead, just chat casually with the person next to you. Within seconds, everyone else at the table will naturally talk to their neighbor. Your table will be the envy of the gala.
Enjoying a fine meal and polite conversation with strangers.

What are you drinking?

If someone isn't drinking, don't ask them why. Their answer will generally make for awkward conversation. If someone is only drinking a little, don't goad them to drink more. That makes it seem like you can't control your drinking, and you're trying to make your overconsumption seem reasonable by comparison.

Some people are just the "milk and cookies" type.

Don't Peel Your Beer Labels

Just focus on the people you're drinking with. If you're busy peeling the label off your beer, they will think you're bored with them or nervous about something.

Enjoying a fine Stella Artois. Enjoying the conversation even more.

What do you do?

Never... Ever... Under any circumstance say those words, unless they're followed by the words "with a drunken sailor" and you're asking rhetorically. Otherwise, doing so will mark you as a bore. Everyone hates work, so obviously they don't want to think about it outside of work hours. If someone asks you what you do, reply "many things" and move on.

Instead of throwing such a worn out phrase at a conversation, be endearing by asking something like, "are you an artist?" If you're at a gallery opening or a party with a bunch of artist types, most people will answer "yes." Then all you have to do is ask them a series of questions about their medium, technique, and themes. Easy.

If the person you're talking to is of a more square breed. Ask them if they've seen a certain movie. Anybody can talk about movies.

I do many things.

Giving it up on the subway

When you give up your seat on the subway, don't make a big deal about it. Just make eye contact with the person to whom you're giving up the seat, get up, and walk to the other end of the car. Don't look back for a thank you.

Sarah attacking me with affection on the train after we left White Star on the Lower East Side all hopped up on absinthe.

When traveling, drink the local beer

Drinking Stiegl in Salzburg, Austria with Jemila from Trinidad.

Making Friends

When you meet someone new, never ask for their email address. It's rude, like saying you're never going to contact them. Always ask for their phone number or find them on Facebook or MySpace on the spot with your phone.

Always leave a party on time.

We've all hosted parties and know how miserable it is when our friends just won't leave even though we're yawning and cleaning up. If it feels like you're leaving half an hour early, you're right on time.
Leaving the Stumble Inn with four women. One of them is behind the camera.

wash & dry

Always dry your hands well enough to shake someone's hand immediately after you come out of the bathroom. You never know when you'll run into someone you know, and a wet handshake really puts an awkward pall over a conversation.

Saying goodbye to Karim Dimechkie from a Cambridge, MA park before he left for Paris.